i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
Randomize
