so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
Randomize
