Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
Randomize
