the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
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