I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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