She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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