his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Randomize
