Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize
