I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
not ubering you a puppy
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Randomize
