I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
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it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
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Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
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