a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
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