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Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
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