You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
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You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
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We don't watch enough power rangers
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
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