You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
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