Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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