I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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