U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
Randomize
