Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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