Taylor Swift is so right about you.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
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Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
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Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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