There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
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Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
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I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
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