Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
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ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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