Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
