dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
I can't put those talents on a resume
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Randomize
