there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Randomize
