So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
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