Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
Randomize
