She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
Randomize
