I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Randomize
