so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
