I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
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