I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Randomize
