I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
