dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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