There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
