don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
