He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Randomize
