He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
Randomize
