Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
