some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Randomize
