oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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