i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
Randomize
