were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
Randomize
