she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
I FOUND THE LEGS
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Randomize
