bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
So much Jack, so little girl.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Randomize
