You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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