I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
Randomize
