I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
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