my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
Randomize
