You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
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