got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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