My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Randomize
