a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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