i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Randomize
