plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
You need Xanax blowdarts
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
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