Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
Randomize
