Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
