I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
