Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
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going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
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I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
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