Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
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