Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
