We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Randomize
