Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
